A tomboy's struggle to retain her identity

They came in quick succession.  Two years apart.  Rishi the firstborn, a split image of his father.  Rahul next, a cross between father and mother.  On closer examination, arguably more of his mother.  And Ritwik, the youngest at two, had missed the gene pool completely.  Relatives and friends differed in their observations. Some saw in him, a bit of his paternal grandfather, others found a close resemblance to his Aunt (mother’s sister).  A possibility, going by the saying that proximity to a loved one during pregnancy does have an impact on the unborn child. Not substantiated by scientific evidence. Just folklore passed down the ages.  

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When Reema was carrying Ritwik, and advised to take complete best rest, Raima her younger sister had offered to live with them for nine months, till she delivered and was on her feet again.  An exceedingly kind gesture, considering Raima kept her job on hold to be with her sister’s family.  That explained why some saw in Ritwik, little pieces of Raima, assembled haphazardly into a whole.  Never mind all the conjecturing, these differences never stood in the way of the one being more favoured over the other. The three were thick as thieves as one would say. Each of them loved and spoilt to bits.  Hand me down clothes, toys, and books, happily accepted without any feeling of deprivation.  A bunch of happy kids growing up in a close-knit family and healthy social environment.

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Two years down the line, Reema and Randhir are unprepared for the surprise that awaits them.  A bolt from the blue.  An unplanned pregnancy. This is confirmed by her doctor during her routine check-up and too late to consider having an abortion.  Not that they would go through such an act, contrary to beliefs they held hinging on the ‘Puranas’, governed by the law of Karma and its relevance in determining which soul enters the womb, in the cycle of rebirth.  The act of abortion would hinder the natural progression and the cycle of the soul.  This time they wish for a girl to complete the family circle. In the absence of sex determination, the wait is a long one, filled with tense moments.  Concerned about whether she would carry to full term, considering the last pregnancy was not an easy one.  One month before the due date, the little one growing inside starts getting restless.  Reema has to be rushed to the hospital for a C-section to save the child. 

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Still groggy with the sedatives pumped into her, she distinctly recalls her OB announcing… “Congratulations Reema.  Your wishes have been fulfilled.  A beautiful girl for you this time”.  Did she hear a round of cheer going up in the OT and Randhir’s voice promising to bring boxes of sweets for all of them?  On regaining full consciousness, the nurse rolls in the glass-covered bassinet.  Lying inside with tubes attached, she sees her beautiful daughter for the first time.  Nothing short of a miracle.  Exactly, as she had imagined. Once shifted to her room, the R boys come bounding in to look at the newest family addition, faces beaming with joy at the arrival of a sister with peachy pink complexion, long eyelashes, and a head full of hair.  Carbon copy of their Mama.  “She’s our Rani” they exclaim in unison. And rightly so, agree the parents.  In a houseful of boys, she would rule and additionally have a sobering effect on the boys.  But Rani has other plans.

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Seven-day-old Rani comes home and commands everyone’s attention.  A cry, a whimper, even a sneeze has the boys dropping whatever they are doing to attend to their Queen of hearts. The little pixie has them eating out of her little chubby fists. Three pairs of eyes focused on her every move, watching her giggle and make funny faces in her sleep.  When she is awake, they are by her side. To pick her up, fuss over her and sing lullabies, despite Mom’s strict instructions… ‘Let her be.  She is an attention-seeker’.  Instructions go unheeded of course. Rishi the eldest, just turned eight, indulges his baby sister’s frequent ‘nakras’, with the younger two trailing behind.

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Three times of recycling baby clothes thus come to a close.  Rani’s birth warrants a change of wardrobe. Colours as well. Pink and red of all shades, replacing the blues and greens of all shades. Shorts, pants, onesies, and sterilized cloth diapers, are bundled in a suitcase, intended to be donated. Frilly, smocked, embroidered baby frocks with matching panties are neatly folded in the closet.  Ribbons, clips, Alice bands, gold bangles, earrings, and anklets take up the drawer space. Rani’s wardrobe is filled with gifts from relatives and friends.  From trains, planes, ships, and water pistols, there is a shift to Barbie dolls, cooking sets, crayons, and colouring books. Later embroidery sets, jigsaw puzzles, and other board games are added, occupying whatever vacant space is available. 

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With a room full of girl-appropriate toys, it's ironic that right from when Rani can sit up, by reflex her hands grab her brother’s toys, ignoring the Barbie dolls in various outfits, on display.  At four she is out in the playground, dressed in their cast-offs, shorts and tees, kicking a ball with her brothers. Hair knotted; face tanned chestnut brown, as a consequence of remaining outdoors in the sun for prolonged hours.  The R brothers cannot persuade her to play with girls of her age. Reema and Randhir invite girls of her age living in the neighbourhood, to spend time with Rani over sugary fizz, candies, potato chips and munchies, which children enjoy most.  To no effect.  Rani gets cross and shouts out for her brothers. Perforce, she is included in all the activities her brothers enjoy. Chasing butterflies, climbing trees, riding piggy-back to the riverside, catching tadpoles, returning home with bruises and cuts on her shins, and non-complaining.  Reema and Randhir dismiss her behaviour as a passing phase, that would soon wane as she grew up.  That does not happen. 

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Three years later, at Aunt Raima’s wedding, Rani is found missing.  The pink silk Ghagra Choli with gold sequins and matching dupatta, specially tailored for the occasion, she is supposed to wear, is found lying on her bed.  The whole household is in panic mode. The boys are more concerned than the parents.  Searching all the possible hideouts yields no results.  Returning to her room they hear stifled sobs from the closet.  She is curled up inside, sobbing uncontrollably.

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“What happened?  You look a mess. Come out and get dressed.  We are running late already”, the brothers cajole and coax her to step out.

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“I’ll come out only on condition, that you guys don’t insist on my wearing that showy outfit.” 

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“What’s wrong with it?  All the other girls are dressed similarly.  With your looks, you will steal the show in that”, they encourage.  Nothing works.  Randhir and Reema thus find the four of them arguing about the dress code for Rani. Eventually, she has her way. Pulling on a pair of jeans, and a short turquoise blue silk kurta, she reluctantly agrees to her hair being braided. Half compromise, they agree is better than none. Rani dressed differently, storms out to the raised eyebrows and sniggering looks from the ‘girlie brigade’, and relatives attending the wedding.

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Puberty arrives without any warning, a few days short of her eleventh birthday. Reema decides now is the time to speak to her rambunctious daughter about gender differences and what it entails to be a female.  Building awareness of the consequences of crossing the boundaries, is an add-on lesson. And that her wild behaviour could land her in deep trouble.  Rani hears her out with a look of disinterest, shaking her head in affirmation. But she is not one to be boxed into gender lines and anatomical differences. For reassurance, that night she creeps into the boys’ room.  Her confidante Rishi is awake, preparing for his class twelve board exams.

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 “Bhaiya, Ma says I cannot be in the company of boys anymore, now that I am officially a ‘woman’. That is utterly unfair!  Will you, Rahul and Ritwik exclude me from our joint activities?  Please...please Bhaiya, I’m not cut out to play ‘house-house’ with the girls”.

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“Rani sweety you are and will always be our teammate, no matter what others say.  But you should be aware that dressing like us, does not take away the fact that you are born different from us, however much you’d like to wish it away.  And boys will exploit the feminism in you to their advantage.  So, what Ma is saying makes a lot of sense.  Remember we have your back. If anyone dares to misbehave with you, we will settle scores there and then.”  Rani sighs in relief.  Off the hook for the time being.  Till another spanner is thrown her way, with her body taking the shape of a woman.

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 Next meltdown occurs when Ma, advises her to start wearing a bra to help maintain the shape and volume of her breasts, so they don’t start sagging or drooping by the time she steps into her thirties.  She blows a fuse.  Refuses outright.  It’s my body and I get to decide what I am comfortable with.  She sticks to wearing a tight vest underneath her school blouse.  Argues that there is no scientific evidence of any health risks in not wearing one.  “You do know it’s not a pleasant sight for others, seeing jiggling boobs.  Right?” Ma tries a different line of argument. Of no avail.  Her rebellious daughter cannot be tamed. 

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Much as it hurt to send her away, Reema and Randhir decide it’s time she was sent to an all-girls boarding school.  Away from her brothers, assuming that in the company of girls, there would be a change in her behavioural pattern. Away from home conditioning, to a different environment.  Dropping off a sullen girl at the Convent School in Panchgani, run by Nuns, the parents return home to find three sullen faces of the boys. They cannot fathom the reason for such harsh measures for their only sister, missing her laughter echoing in their ears… her childish pranks of slipping worms between the pages of their school books…shooting the ball into the net with them… bowling, batting, fielding…the fulcrum of their lives, taken away.

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Within a month after her banishment, letters come trickling in from the school authorities, reporting her unruly behaviour, disinterest in studies, and always taking up cudgels for girls pulled up for flouting rules.  All archaic ones in her opinion. In protest, she goes to the extent of cutting off her long hair with a pair of blunt scissors, stolen from another girl’s dissection box.  The hostel warden has to trim the edges of her disastrous haircut, to make her appear presentable. A picture of her with the latest haircut drops out of the last mail received, which has the boys tripping over each other to be the first to have a look, exclaiming “Gosh! She looks adorable”.

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At the end of the academic year, the nuns write to the parents to withdraw Rani, stating that she was setting a bad example for the other girls.  And while her academic performance could not be faulted, nor her performance in the sports field; her defiant attitude and failure to observe the school decorum was unacceptable.  Going on to elaborate on her being caught with her band of followers, getting wet in the rain during the monsoons, and bullying the timid ones who did not agree to participate.  And if that was not enough, their daughter was heard using cuss words.  Unpardonable.  The parents and brothers are left wondering where she has picked up cuss words.  Certainly not at home.

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Rani returns home, a good two inches taller than when she left.  The boys are delighted to have her back. Their missing teammate. Reema and Randhir feign disappointment.  But deep in their hearts, they are gratified that a part of them that was missing is fixed again making it whole.  They start seeing the ‘Raja’ (King) in her evolving from the Rani (Queen) she was named. So be it.  However, whenever, whichever way she evolved, they would deal with the consequences.  The family is happy to have her back in the saddle, where she belonged.